Change of Season

28 Dec

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Picture courtesy of Lippsisters.com

 

This year has been truly an “enlightening” one; that’s what one of my good friends said not too long ago. I viewed it as difficult. I like enlightening better. It makes me feel like my obstacles weren’t there to hurt me, but to prepare me for the future, show me how to handle the toughest situations and to show me what I don’t need in my life.

Recently, I experienced a situation that escalated, unfortunately, to a point of no return. It’s really too bad, but things happen and life happens and some things are out of my control. What is in my control is the theatrics in my life. I’m looking for my life to play out, not as a drama, but more of a romantic comedy, light-hearted and as happy as possible. 

I used to have a difficult time understanding the whole statement about how there are times when people are only in your life for a season, especially if it was a long season. I’m also the type to labor over things that I don’t understand, searching for an answer when sometimes there isn’t one. I think a truer statement, in my case, is there are times when people are in different seasons, one in Spring and the other in Fall, and the two just don’t coincide. That happens with people sometimes, they grow apart and become different and want different things. It’s not a bad thing, but it is a hurting that will heal with time, as do ill-feelings and other forms of pain.

I think the difference in seasons was an underlying issue that caused the situation to develop into something I didn’t expect. It’s through these circumstances that we see a person’s true colors. I definitely think mine were on display also. Now I know what I need and don’t need and from there, life can only get better.

A Bad Case of The Miserables

29 Nov

Courtesy of Salon.com

I know everyone has had to deal with negative people. People who are unhappy with their lives and (sometimes unknowingly) suck the happiness out of yours. I call these people “The Miserables.” The Miserables want you to be their tag-a-long in life. Their days are gloomy and gray. A permanent rain cloud is affixed above their heads and there’s always a downpour. Of course, The Miserables have no umbrella, so not only do they get drenched, but so do you. Misery loves company and if you’re not careful, you’ll be spiralling down right along with them.

For some time now, I’ve had to deal with a few “Miserables”  regularly. Normally, I chuck the deuces to situations like these  because I hate being confrontational (despite popular belief…lol). I like to withdraw myself from a bad situation, which sometimes comes off as having an icy disposition. Those who know me BEST know that I hate the idea of a situation potentially being confrontational, therefore I try to avoid it at all costs. I hate to be yelled at or talked to out-of-term, and it makes me nervous and uncomfortable. That’s not to say that I won’t go there if someone takes me there. I most definitely WILL. Under normal circumstances, I’m pretty easy-going and don’t have these problems. Lately though, The Miserables have been at work.

That’s where the problem lies. Because I’m human, and because I’ve been influenced by the environment The Miserables created, I’ve become this mad woman, on edge, irate and unhappy at times. That’s far from the person I am or who I want to be. I’m well aware that I’m imperfect, but I also don’t like being a target.

Even in my worst moments, I strive to be better and do better. I try to find humor in situations that are nowhere near funny and be kind and thoughtful to those close to me and strangers. I think most would say the same. Getting older, my faults have become more obvious, so I try to work on my smart-mouth and the way I drive myself crazy by jumping to conclusions. It’s my hope, that by doing this, I won’t become one of The Miserables, and if I have in the past or if you see it in the future…I do apologize.

 

Take The Wheel

2 Nov

Growing up, I was very naive. I think I started growing out of it about age 20. There was a time when I thought that my family was perfect, my life was ideal and everyone was my friend and had my best interests in mind. I was so wrong and I’ve learned the hard way. There have been tons of tears, anger and a few fallouts! Oh well! ::shrug::

I was an only child and was used to getting my way because…OF COURSE…my way and my opinion was the BEST way. My point of view was normally respected and carried out because there was no one else to object it.

My upbringing led me to believe that if things were done my way ALL THE TIME, then everything would be perfect. What I couldn’t see was that God is the one in control and I had to be put in certain situations to see my family, friends, and my own path, for what it was so I could continue to grow.

More recently now, I feel like I’ve been learning, or rather, realizing things more than ever before. Sort of how kids are sponges, absorbing lessons at lightening speed. Well, now I feel like I’m learning so much in this new phase in my life.

This week, I began analyzing the lives of friends, a family member and of course my own life, more than before. Working constantly and consistently to achieve a goal is a must; NO ONE is going to do the work for you. A person must put in the necessary time and effort to produce viable results.

One person who I know very well is job searching, but refuses to go the EXTRA MILE in order to get the new job they want, deserve, and is qualified for. As opposed to putting in the additional work necessary to do great things later, this person chooses to do the bare minimum for reasons I’ve yet to figure out. This, in turn, gets them nowhere and leads them down a rode of weariness and depression. 

It’s sad to see, especially because I know their potential, but it also motivates me to do better, worker harder and unapologetically aspire for greater. It inspires me to continue my job search when I’m tired of writing cover letters. It inspires me to study for my grad school entrance exam when I’m tired of reading example after example. It’s going to inspire me to work hard once I do find the perfect job that I’ve been longing for, and to spend extra time perfecting my assignments once I’m back in school. It’s inspiring me to reach my full potential.

Aside

I Weigh A Ton!!

19 Oct

No…I haven’t gained a pound. In all actuality, I want to gain about 10 pounds and be about a size 6. The ton I’m talking about is figurative. I feel like my personal circumstances have weighed a ton on my family, both financially and emotionally.

They hate when I say this, but I’ve felt like a burden, because it’s a recession and I’ve been unable to work going through treatment two times and having to recover. After treatment (the first time), I got a job…a job where I was constantly on my feet…about a month after getting 6 months of chemo. I wouldn’t suggest ANYONE doing something so ridiculous; everything on me hurt terribly, from head to toe. I should’ve given myself more time to rest.

So because I haven’t been able to work, the family has been footing the bill for my entire life. Although the say that’s what family is for…we love you, I know this situation has created stress, strife and anxiety on them AND ME. I hate asking for help (I’d much rather give). I hate the feeling of financially instability.

I want to be independent and it’s frustrating that at the age I am, I’m not there yet. I often don’t take into account that I have been LEGITIMATELY sick off and on for two years and I would’ve/could’ve been further along had it not been for the lymphoma. In my mind, I’m old enough and should have more. Point.Blank.Period.

So right now, I’m still on the prowl for a great job. I definitely still have my down days but I’ve yet to give up. :-)

~Ana~

 

Are You Unemployed or Underemployed?

6 Oct

Some children dream of being a doctor, lawyer, or some other prestigious profession. I’ve always dreamed of being RICH. I was never sure how I would get there, but I knew by age 4, having wealth was the only way to live.

Since I was raised by a bunch of independent women, who were raised by independent women, I have no choice but to follow suit. These ladies are/were intelligent, thoughtful, gracious and helpful and even if corners had to be cut, ends meet was always met and everything was cool…at least until next month. I knew none of this when I was a child. I even thought I was rich for a while…which my mother shut ALL THE WAY down. She made me comfortable with the word NO!!

As time passed, life became real and I misplaced the rose-colored glasses childhood provided. I wish I could get those back. The older you get the more you understand the concept of an ATM, finances, bills and wealth verses income.

So now here I am…2012…in the midst of a recession where ENTRY LEVEL positions require 3-5 years experience (seriously?!?!) and, according to Bloomberg, 6.7% is the new norm for the U.S. unemployment rate; it’s currently 7.8% and was 5% pre-recession. How is this even fair?

So what’s a girl to do when she’s trying to MAKE IT RAIN in all aspects of her life. Find a super, lowkey, elusive gig that I must keep on the hush so I won’t embarrass my mama? Partake in seedy underground activity? Get on a reality TV show? (which I’m really not above that, so don’t be surprised if you see me on some random cable network).

So now I pose this question: Does hard work, education and persistence still prevail in this world???

I guess we’ll see!!

~Ana~

It’s My Anniversary!

27 Sep

“Life is what you make it.” As cliché as that sounds, I’m a firm believer in the energy you put out, is the energy that you will receive. It’s the reason why I always try to give good positive energy in the most trying times. It’s so in the long run, I can have something to smile about and be happy.

So today is my two year anniversary, not of a marriage, or time on a job, but the two year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. I got diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma in 2010 at 23 years old. The 27th of September will be marked in my life’s history as “one of the most life changing”. The 16th of February 2012 is definitely “the most sad and scariest” because I was diagnosed with a relapse. Just when I thought it was over, I had to get treated all over again.

This entire time, family and friends have been urging me to write/blog/talk about my experience, but at the time I didn’t want to. I could barely concentrate to begin with and when I could, I didn’t want it to be on something as depressing as I felt my life was, so I didn’t. My entire life was nothing but doctor’s appointments, procedures, treatment and eventually hospital stays. That was a lot and I just wanted to escape it, not throw myself into a personal assignment that made me think of my circumstances even more. I didn’t want to talk about myself AT ALL during this time. I was much more interested in what other people were doing and feeling because my goings-on and thoughts were the same everyday: nothing and indifference…sometimes sadness.

Even on the bad days, I would still try to be positive when talking to friends and family. Sometimes I wouldn’t let them know just how upset I was on a given day or how sick I felt some days because I didn’t want them to worry. I didn’t want their worry for me to get in the way of the things they needed to do and get in the way of their happiness. In a way, I was trying to still put out that positive energy I talked about in the beginning so everyone could be happy when it was all said and done.

Now, two years later and two treatments under my belt, I’m way more happy, way more hopeful and excited to have a fresh start at 25…AND I’m excited about my fresh new head of hair. I’m trying to discover the lesson in all of this and how this fits into the puzzle. Let’s just wait and see!

~Ana~

Hello world!

19 Aug

Welcome to WordPress.com! This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.

Happy blogging!

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